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Church Correspondent: Terrance L'Enfant
Rumors have been circulating wildly over the internet of a pending move by Saint Peter Church in Bristol and Mendota Virginia to the South American nation of Guyana.
The rumors were said to be aided by the "leak" of a picture alledgedly taken recently of RC Sproul Jr. at a secret society "Lodge" meeting in which Sproul Jr. is shown posing in front of the society's occultic symbol. In the picture Sproul Jr. strikes a frightening and menacing "going postal" pose.
The beleaguered church leader was recently defrocked, and has come under withering criticism for his refusal to step down as pastor. Sproul Jr. faces possible criminal charges as a result of pilfering the tax identification number of another church denomination. Some have speculated that he would flee the country, as a direct result, perhaps taking his flock of "believers" with him.
Sproul Jr. was reported seen recently in a Bristol-area public library reviewing the library's resource books on the agriculturally-rich Guyana. Sproul Jr. is known to have a strong personal interest in agrarianism, but with no personal agrarian talents or knowledge. In his own words, Mr. Sproul Jr. is "an agrarian wannabe." Mr. Sproul Jr. has attempted several agrarian projects, all a dismal failure. His approach to animal husbandry is a novel one -- threaten the animals with execution if they don't produce.
North American agrarianism has proven far too demanding for the work ethic-challenged Sproul Jr., and many have speculated that he is looking for a land where the food grows itself. In the Bristol-area library Sproul Jr. was overheard to say, "Look at these pictures. This place looks incredible. Stuff just grows all by itself and you don't even have to till the ground or plant anything. You can just walk around and pick it off the bushes and trees."
Suspicions were only further heightened when Mendota residents discovered that Mr. Sproul Jr. had recently special-ordered large quantities of Kool-Aid through the tiny community's only convenience store. Sproul Jr. has made repeated references to his church being a cult, and his obsession for Kool-Aid.
RC Sproul Jr has now responded to rumors that he would soon be bundling up his rapidly diminishing flock and moving his Highlands Study Center to Guyana. CNT contacted the defrocked pastor of Saint Peter Church and director of Highlands Study Center and asked about the move rumors. Sproul Jr. responded, "Getting defrocked hurt us real bad. But we're working hard to save face by having another denomination put together a tribunal that will exonerate us of all the charges that the RPCGA [Reformed Presbyterian Church General Assembly] convicted us on. If we can pull this off there may not be any need for us to go anywhere. But you never know."